Once upon a time there were three bears: Mummy Bear, Daddy Bear and their son Nigel, and much has been written about these unfortunate individuals throughout the years. For example, in parts of Hungary and Romania they say that Daddy Bear earned great acclaim riding the Wall of Death in a travelling flea circus, and that he met his wife while she was trying to raise funds for a marzipan exhibition in Budapest. Meanwhile, in Scandinavia it is generally believed that the bears are descended from the great Haftan the Unreasonable, who conquered much of Northern Europe and is widely credited as being the inventor of the oven chip. On the other hand, any mention of the bears in Leamington Spa is met with much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and when pressed further the good people of that town will proceed to mutter strange and curious riddles about Marmite. None of these things is strictly true, for fact is often far stranger than fiction.
The real story of the three bears concerns a terrifying flight from certain death, a desperate search for justice, the Loch Ness Monster, a potato with gunshot wounds, Bertie the Belgian Balloonist, the occasional interspatial warp matrix interface, and a bag full of drugged crocodiles. Amongst other things. It’s all perfectly simple really…